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journal entry 01
Okay, 1) this place is amazing, but 2) I want to go home now, except 3) TD IS HERE.
And... doesn't want to talk to me. Face to face, I mean.
Okay, I can totally handle this. H just told him about the fire. He's under a lot of strain and probably isn't ready to deal with more people who need to hug him so tight his ribs creak. It's an understandable reaction.
How do I feel, um. Hurt. I'm kind of hurt, I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me ever, instead of just face to face right now. I feel like maybe he doesn't really want to see me. I feel guilty that I wasn't there to stop him from running in the building. I feel guilty to be so happy he's here when this might just make everything hurt more in the long run, especially for H.
But I am SO GLAD he's here.
I also feel like I shouldn't feel hurt. Which issilly understandable, but probably not logical. (nts: work harder on nonjudgmental observation of feelings. MINDFULNESS!!!)
Okay, so what can I do about any of these now, hm. Well, I should reassure myself that being happy to see him is a perfectly normal reaction and there's nothing wrong with that. Done. I wasn't there at the fire and can't change the past. I need to try to let that go, even though it's hard. And I need to acknowledge that it's only my own anxiety making me feel like he never wants to talk to me again. Of course TD will want to talk to me again.
I'm kind of wishing I hadn't cancelled both of last months appointments, I think I'm out of practice...
♥~Don't Forget~♥
1) do some work to get money!!! to buy groceries
2) bake something with O'danya :3
3) find nail polish???? (chipped nails!)
4) get better clothes than gross boring jumpsuits
And... doesn't want to talk to me. Face to face, I mean.
Okay, I can totally handle this. H just told him about the fire. He's under a lot of strain and probably isn't ready to deal with more people who need to hug him so tight his ribs creak. It's an understandable reaction.
How do I feel, um. Hurt. I'm kind of hurt, I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me ever, instead of just face to face right now. I feel like maybe he doesn't really want to see me. I feel guilty that I wasn't there to stop him from running in the building. I feel guilty to be so happy he's here when this might just make everything hurt more in the long run, especially for H.
But I am SO GLAD he's here.
I also feel like I shouldn't feel hurt. Which is
Okay, so what can I do about any of these now, hm. Well, I should reassure myself that being happy to see him is a perfectly normal reaction and there's nothing wrong with that. Done. I wasn't there at the fire and can't change the past. I need to try to let that go, even though it's hard. And I need to acknowledge that it's only my own anxiety making me feel like he never wants to talk to me again. Of course TD will want to talk to me again.
I'm kind of wishing I hadn't cancelled both of last months appointments, I think I'm out of practice...
♥~Don't Forget~♥
1) do some work to get money!!! to buy groceries
2) bake something with O'danya :3
3) find nail polish???? (chipped nails!)
4) get better clothes than gross boring jumpsuits